


to love you is to know you, and i know you best

by artificialmac



Series: Brooke Lynn Hytes and Other Residential Neighborhoods in New York [15]
Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: Angst, Denial of Feelings, Drabble, Drabble Collection, F/F, F/M, Heavy Angst, M/M, Self-Destruction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-15
Updated: 2019-08-15
Packaged: 2020-09-01 06:21:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 601
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20253562
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/artificialmac/pseuds/artificialmac
Summary: Brooke lies about their relationship. To fans, to friends, and mostly to herself.





	to love you is to know you, and i know you best

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this at 4am the other night to kind of encapsulate my feelings on the whole situation. This is just my personal therapy series at this point, let’s be real.

She sends the tweet out of anger.

At herself mostly.

She should be asleep

But she sends the tweet. 

What makes it worse is Jose is sleeping soundly beside her.

Call her a hypocrite. Call her a liar.

Both are true.

Telling fans to back off their relationship when she can’t even back off herself.

Telling fans it’s over when his snoring is the only thing that makes her feel safe enough to sleep.

Telling fans to stop talking about it because when she hears his name she swears her heart beats a bit faster.

She told the fans to cut it out. Stop tagging them in posts about each other.

Let them live.

Let them figure it out.

Let them make their own mistakes.

Let them make mistakes out of each other. 

But he could never be a mistake. 

Not to Brooke. Not now. Not ever. 

Nothing about Jose was wrong or out of place. He had flaws, sure. But nothing about him was a mistake. Nothing about the way his lips curved when he saw her was a mistake. Nothing about the way his hand traced her face reverently was a mistake. Nothing about the way his eyes twinkled as the sun came up was a mistake. 

No. None of those things were mistakes. 

They were love.

Brooke didn’t believe in God, but she did believe in him. More than anyone ever could believe in anything. She believed in him. She believed in his goodness and his kindness and his weakness. She believed in her own hardness and her callousness and her strength.

They made sense.

They worked.

She talks about it the next day on her live. She says they are good. She says they have moved on. She says they are friends. 

She lies through her teeth.

They aren’t good, they are the furthest from good two people (who love each other more than the stars) can be.

They haven’t moved on. They are still so co-dependent they can’t go a damn day without talking or kissing or sending a text… or twenty five.

They aren’t friends. They are ex lovers. Ex lovers can never be friends. It doesn’t work that way. Or at least not for them. 

They aren’t friends in the way that the Sun and the Moon aren’t friends. They aren’t friends in the way that Jesus and Judas aren’t friends. 

They aren’t friends in the way that Brock and Jose aren’t friends.

They aren’t friends. Brooke doubts they ever can be.

There will always be something lingering just under the surface. Just out of reach. 

A ‘what if.’

A hope.

A ‘maybe this time.’

A dream that she denies having in the morning.

A final chapter of a book that she can’t bring herself to read.

A farewell.

A goodbye.

A confession.

A new beginning.

The end, or something similar to an end.

Brooke hates endings. Always had. When she was young she would stop movies before the final scene. Content to immerse herself in the world for however long she could convince her siblings to wait for her to hit play.

Brooke hates endings. Which is why she supposes they can never be friends.

She wants to press pause. Wants to immerse herself in the fantasy a while longer. The fantasy of being happy with him. The fantasy where everything works out. The fantasy where she doesn’t end up 

alone. 

But the remote doesn’t seem to be working.

And there are no pauses.

Only fast forwards and rewinds and the volume button being at a constant too-high level.

And the end credits.


End file.
